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Question
Help! I messed up recently with my 6-year-old, and I don’t know how to fix it.
We recently had a family holiday party, where we let our son stay up past his bedtime. When I told him it was time to brush his teeth, he flipped out and started throwing a tantrum. I told him to go to his room, and when he asked if we could read a bedtime story, I said no because he was acting sassy, and I wasn’t going to reward that type of behavior. Instead, he yelled at me that he hated me and wished he had a different mommy. It broke my heart! I ended up saying things I didn’t mean, and we both went to sleep crying.
I’m a teacher, and I’m always able to keep my cool with my students. Why is it so much more challenging with my own son??
Answer
Repeat after me: “This isn’t personal; it’s developmental. All of this is normal behavior for a child who feels dysregulated.” For example, you mentioned you had family over (change in routine, overstimulation, having to be on “best behavior”). He stayed up late (overtired = less emotional control), and then when he asked for connection and a return to his routine (reading a book together before bed), he was told he didn’t deserve attention because he was “sassy.” Man, I’d be upset, too! He was asking for your help to regulate his body and emotions, and you shut him down.
I get it. I’ve been there, and I’ll be there again many times!
What helps me is to imagine the scenario playing out with another adult and not my child. So imagine if you snipped at your partner over leaving their dirty clothes on the floor (or any similar scenario), and a few minutes later, you asked them for a hug, and they said, “No, you don’t deserve a hug because you snipped at me.” I know I would be mad! Like, yes, I lost my temper, but YOU’RE STILL MY HUSBAND, AND YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME ANYWAY, JERK.
What would you do if one of your students had said those things to you when you told them “no” about something? You probably wouldn’t take it personally, right? Because as a teacher, you understand that it’s not personal- it’s developmental. Same with your son. It’s SO MUCH HARDER when it’s our own kids because you think, “Seriously?!? I birthed you, and I feed you and clothe you and do EVERYTHING for you, and you’re going to treat me like crap and tell me you hate me?!?”
Now the damage is done, and you both acted less than lovingly. So, now you work on repairing your relationship. What does that typically look like in your house?
In my house, it looks like finding a quiet time to sit and chat, discuss the incident without emotion and without blaming or shaming, and deciding together how we’ll both do things differently next time. Do we always do things differently “next time”? Heck no! Because we’re human and humans are messy and forgetful and ruled mainly by our lizard brains when we’re upset.
Parenting (like yoga or knitting) is a practice, not a perfect. Less focus on the stumbles- more focus on the recoveries. You’re a good mama, and he’s a good son. We all have our moments.
Apologize, move on, and model grace and loving-kindness. You’ve got this! Please reach out to Via The Village if you need more support or guidance.
