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Question
I’m in a relationship in which my husband isn’t necessarily physically abusive toward me, but something doesn’t feel right. He’s very controlling of our money, and he locks me out of the house if I don’t come home on time. He also does things to make it hard for me to excel in my career. Is it possible that I could be a victim of abuse even if he is not physically hurting me?
Answer
I want to start by telling you that I am so sorry for what you are enduring. Relationships are partnerships. I’m going to write this again since it’s worth repeating: relationships are partnerships. There can be various ways of creating equality between two people, for example, divvying up household chores or deciding that one person pursues a career while the other stays home with the children. The key is that both parties agree to the parameters and both benefit from them as well. When advantages become one-sided, many more problems begin to surface.
Based on the information you have provided, it is my opinion that you are the victim of abuse in your relationship. Please take a moment to breathe as you read this; it’s not something that’s easy to come to terms with. It means your past is far less rosy than you wanted to believe, and your future might be far more complicated than you’d like to anticipate.
Let me begin by identifying the signs of abuse that you described:
- “My husband isn’t necessarily physically abusive toward me.” This statement makes me question whether or not some form of physical abuse is happening. It may not be frequent, but you seem to be indicating that some sort of physical abuse has happened at some point (forgive me if I’m wrong here). Even if it has only happened once, any physical abuse is a precursor to future physical acts of violence. Please do not dismiss this.
- “He’s very controlling of our money.” This is a classic sign of financial domestic abuse. It allows the abuser control over the very resource you could use to leave your situation should you choose to do so. I would encourage you to discretely reach out to your local domestic violence resource or hotline to find financial counseling for this specific situation. You can also contribute small amounts of money to a bank account without his name on it (make sure these are amounts he will not realize are missing; if he monitors every cent closely, you may need to find another option).
- “He locks me out of the house if I don’t come home on time.” Controlling time and social activity is a sign of social and emotional abuse. While mutually setting boundaries within the context of a relationship are totally healthy and normal, you should never have to be fearful of undermining some imagined authority he is wielding over you.
- “He also does things to make it hard for me to excel at my career.” This, too, falls under financial and emotional abuse. It is perfectly acceptable for you to both agree to ground rules about the amount of time each of you should put into your work schedules to maintain a healthy balance in your relationship. Beyond that, you are an adult who has every right to pursue your own occupation and career ambitions. If he is making an effort to thwart your achievements or minimize your successes, then he is limiting your potential income and may be creating a sense of worthlessness in your mind.
Please tread carefully as you navigate your next steps. People can become dangerous when threatened, even if they haven’t displayed these types of behaviors before. Your husband sounds as if he is trying to establish power and control over your life, and taking that away will not bode well. You should seek further counsel through friends, relatives, and professionals to best navigate your current situation. I encourage you to do it as immediately as possible; the longer you wait, the worse your situation will most likely become.
I am also sharing the Domestic Violence Helpline as a recommended resource: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Please reach out for additional support.
