When we start to talk about consent and children (technically assent), there are a lot of things we can talk about. We can talk about bodily autonomy or creating safety plans to help prevent sexual assault. You can talk about how consent relates to creating rules around things like how your teen dresses and how teaching about consent and healthy boundaries can break generational trauma patterns for girls and create emotional growth.
But how do we talk about consent when it comes to behavioral challenges?
The Issue
Let me paint you a picture of the problem…
Imagine a child: a lovely and wonderful child. One who is described as “feisty” or “spirited” and who seems to enjoy the word NO and its derivatives over all others. Personally, this is my favorite kind of child—and the type of child I work with the most!
In the examples conversations below, it is clear that the child (in yellow) knows how to revoke consent. Perhaps it may seem like that is the issue: they don’t listen, won’t follow directions, and refuse to consent to anything. How on earth do you respect your child’s ability to revoke consent while getting anything done!
The Solution
First, recognize the real problem
While this may look like a child who is very good at revoking consent, the truth is that they are, frankly, terrible at it. They are reacting to a challenge with a challenge and inviting a fight or bullying to get their way. This is not the best way to get one’s needs met: it’s a blunt instrument at best. They need a better way.
The real issue is that they don’t know how to say “no” well. So let’s work on this!
Pro Tip: Write down everything that they say no to and see if you can find patterns. This will help you get ahead of the no and provide support in choosing a new response (see below).
Second, establish a better way to say no
Let’s say that your child presents a hard pass when you bring up tooth brushing (which is extremely common: what child wants to brush their teeth anyhow?) It’s their body and their choice, but you can’t let their teeth rot away. So what can you do, how do you square that circle?
Start with establishing a simple and easy way for them to say no instead. It could be a “No, thank you” or something similar: whatever works for you and your family.
Now, when things are calm (meaning outside of the actual situation) practice this response. Model it yourself, use toys to act out how to use it, create a song about using it—whatever! Have some fun with it.
Once they have the gist of appropriate ways to say no, give them the opportunity to use it in the real situation. Support them and help them through it. They may need a few tries and some extra prompting (visuals are wonderful in these situations!) but if you take your time and about three pounds of patience, you will start to see an evolution from a big reaction to the new response.
Pro Tips: If they are having a lot of difficulties, consider having one person make the request (such as “It’s time to brush your teeth!”) and a second person provide prompting and support so that they have what they need to succeed.
Explore solutions that you have never considered. For example, did you know you don’t have to brush your teeth? The goal is not to brush, it’s to keep teeth clean and have good dental hygiene. There are a ton of ways to do that other than brushing (tooth wipes, water pics, mouth wash…here is a whole article with options!). Think about what you are really trying to do rather than the action you are trying to prompt and you may find a solution you never thought of before.
Along with this, make sure that your child knows how to use the statement, “My body, my choice” effectively so that they can stand up for themselves confidently when they do not want to be touched.
Third, take tiny steps for powerful progress
Now that you have a better response in place and have established a more peaceful space, you can start to shape up your request.
Perhaps when you let them know it’s time to brush teeth, they respond beautifully with the new response you have practiced together, and you continue with something like “Thank you so much for letting me know. We are just going to put toothpaste on the brush tonight and we can be done. Would you like to do it or watch me do it?”
Keep shaping these tiny steps up and you will see more beautiful communication and compromise as you work together to build skills, find solutions, and work together to grow.
Pro Tips: Encourage through the little protests, back off if they begin to accelerate: it’s better to let it go than have things explode. Simply step back and re-evaluate for the next time you try. We do not want a power struggle, which can erode one’s ability to respect consent, but rather a space to work through this together as a team.
Respect when they say no to being touched in general so that they don’t have to accelerate to get their need met (this includes hugs and kisses from family members).
Provide choices to reduce protests and encourage communication.
Special Note
For times when they just have to…
While you are working on these skills, there will be times when want to say “You just gotta!” These moments are non-negotiable or darn near impossible to avoid or delay. Examples include:
- Hygiene after using the toilet (wiping, washing hands, etc.)
- Waiting to cross the street in traffic
- Getting onto public transit before the doors close
This is a “pick your learning time” situation: if you can use the situation at hand as a teaching moment to work on the skills we have been discussing here, do it! If you simply can’t, give yourself some grace and work through the moment: set your boundary, acknowledge the feelings, and keep your boundary. Instead of teaching the skills directly, you are modeling how to set a boundary and keep it calmly, which is also a learning opportunity!
This can look like: “We have to wait for the light to change before we cross. I would like to be at the park already too, it can be frustrating to have to wait. Would you like to sing a song or guess how many seconds until the light changes?”
Pro Tip: Get silly! When you start to hear a whine or a fuss, consider a silly response like “Oh no! It sounds like you picked up a squeak at school! Let’s yell it right out the car window, I’ll roll them down and we can do it together…SQUEAKS BE GONE! Now that I can hear you better, it sounded like you were feeling angry that you have to get your homework done before you go play with the neighbors, is that right? Okay, would you like me to help you or give you some space to get it done when we get home?” A little fun can go a long way in diffusing a situation.
Don’t Burn Out: Get Support
This is not easy to do and can wear on you. Before you burn out or explode yourself, seek support. This can be from other adults in your life (family, neighbors, friends) from your community (like a church or school community) or from professional behavior supports. Consider joining a class like this one to find other people who totally understand what you are working through and are on the same path.
Pro Tip: If you are feeling lost, check out resources like my company’s website, Applied Behavioral Happiness. We specialize in leading this kind of therapeutic change. You can also take a look at these YouTube videos from one of the cutting-edge researchers in this kind of therapeutic approach to consent in behavior change.
