Caring for children, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, has changed how we raise our young children. The stress of parenting along with other issues families are facing—from economic and job instability to behavioral health challenges—becomes the perfect storm of caregiver chaos. Many of us are tired, anxious, sad, and concerned about our future. And too often, we feel that we are not doing enough. We might find ourselves yelling more and connecting less with our children, feeling that we don’t have any more to give. However, the children we are caring for are too feeling similar big emotions, and it is imperative that we—as parents and caregivers—dig deep and soldier on, setting a good example of kindness and empathy whenever possible.
When stressed, it’s too easy to fall into using coercive caregiving practices. In fact, many of us were raised using this type of intervention, and we use it because it “worked” for our parents. But with research on how children grow and develop, coercive practices may not be so effective in the long term. Instead, we should turn to practices that can build empathy in children and promote their development, which can help build the foundation for lifelong success.
What are coercive practices?
Coercion means using force to make someone do something they don’t want to do. In caring for children, this can look like yelling or making threats, or forcing a child to do something rather than encouraging them to make good decisions. This type of practice happens with all parents to be clear. It’s important to recognize them, several of which are described below.
Interrogation
A step toward minimizing the use of coercive practices involves avoiding interrogating your child about their lie, and instead, supporting them in problem-solving. For example, if you are aware your child has lied to you about doing their homework, calling them out on the lie will only increase frustration and anger for both you and your child. This is to say, rather than arguing with your child about whether or not they have finished their homework, respond with this instead: “I noticed you didn’t finish your homework. Let me know if there’s anything you need help with. I’ll check back in with you in a few minutes to see how you’re doing.”
It’s also important to avoid other types of interrogation when your child does something wrong, even rhetorical questions such as “What’s the matter with you?” or “What are you going to learn?” There are no acceptable answers your child can offer to resolve the situation, and these questions will only make them feel that something is wrong with them rather than their behavior. If you find yourself moving towards this line of questioning when stressed or frustrated, it might be time to take a time out.
Threats and Force
The most common example of coercive caregiving practices is the use of threats or force, both verbal and physical. If you’ve ever seen a parent pulling a child by the arm to get them to comply, that’s an example of coercion by physical force. Coercion by verbal force might sound something like, “You’ll do what I say if you know what’s good for you.”
Are these practices effective? Sometimes! Are they going to help build a positive relationship with the child you are caring for? Not one bit. And often, we make threats about things we have no intention of following through on. I can’t count how many times I’ve been at the store and heard a parent say something like, “If you do that one more time, we are leaving!” Then followed by, “That’s it, if you do it again, we are leaving, and you’re in trouble!”
So why do we do this? Maybe we don’t know any better, or maybe we are simply exhausted. Or maybe it just feels good to yell when we are frustrated. But my guess is we also use these practices because we haven’t incorporated alternative techniques into our routine. It’s been too easy to use coercive practices as our go-to. But continue reading for alternative and non-coercive techniques!
Non-Coercive Practices
Let’s talk about some alternative, non-coercive techniques that can help your child listen to you while strengthening your relationship.
Positive Pairing
Positive pairing means getting involved in the activities your child is interested in. For example, do they like video games? Ask to play with them sometimes. Are they into Pokémon? Ask them questions about the characters and really listen. And I mean really listen, not just glance up from your phone now and again to smile and nod. Positive pairing may also involve setting goals for positive reinforcement, such as aiming for 10 positive interactions each day (a smile, pat on the back, or a compliment). The trick is to catch the child doing something positive and providing praise at the moment.
Redirection
Another non-coercive technique you can use involves calmly interrupting and redirecting negative behaviors. For example, let’s say your child is climbing on the counter to reach a toy or snack. You might yell something like “Get down right now! How many times do I have to tell you to stay off of there! That’s it, no TV for a week!”—which might feel good and vindicating at the moment. Instead, you can try something like, “Climb down, please. I’d be happy to help you reach something if you let me know what you need,” then redirecting them to ask appropriately for help getting the item, at which point you can praise them for their positive behavior.
Setting Expectations
Another non-coercive technique includes setting expectations. For example, if you are concerned about your child misbehaving in a store, you might set expectations prior to entering the store. In the car, you could say something like, “Okay, here are the reminders for store behavior. I expect you to keep your hands to yourselves, use your inside voices, and there will be no arguing. We are not shopping for toys today, so if you find something you like, you can add it to your wish list. If you cannot follow expectations, you will get one warning, and then we will leave the store. Does everyone understand?” You may even have younger children paraphrase the expectations back to you to show they understand and remember. Then during the trip, be sure to give praise for the behavior you want to see and follow through on the consequence if necessary.
Show Understanding
Non-demanding statements are also an excellent calm way to get your needs met while avoiding coercion. For example, you ask the child to clean up their room and are met with a fit or tantrum. Once they are calm, you can tell them, “I know it’s tough when we have to do things we don’t want to. Let me know if you’d like some help getting started.” Then, stay nearby so they know you still expect the task to be completed but are willing to help if needed.
Are these techniques going to work all of the time with every child? Of course not. But I think it’s important that we, as parents and caregivers, are mindful of different ways to engage children, including ways that avoid coercion. It’s also essential that we recognize when we are using coercive caregiver practices to either stop in the moment or try to minimize using them in the future. You can find more information on coercion and positive parenting practices in The Power of Positive Parenting, by Dr. Glenn Latham.
